ALEXANDER THE "GAY???"

ALEXANDER THE "GAY???"

At the three-hour "Alexander," fortune favors those who can hold.

Just as its subject, Alexander the Great, never met an army he couldn't beat, "Alexander" the three-hour movie won't meet a bladder it can't bust. Only those as bold as the Macedonian will ride into battle with 32-ounce sodas.

Director Oliver Stone isn't about to shortchange the life and legacy of his favorite historical figure, and of course he'll have to tack on a few conspiracy theories.

The result - a sword-slashing, sandal-stomping indulgence of historic grandiosity - holds its oversized length reasonably well. Those who prepare for a long, engrossing march will appreciate the gorgeously shot, operatic film. Anyone expecting a slam-banger in the line of "Gladiator" will feel as beaten as the marauded Persian forces. Stone has been lauded as an imposing talent, but not for his narrative economy or subtlety. "Alexander," like Martin Scorsese's "Gangs of New York," is an overindulgent, sprawling specimen of the director's lavish strengths and harrowing weaknesses. Long-gestating dream projects - Stone has been trying to make the film for at least 13 years - have a way of paralyzing a filmmaker's raw instincts while enlarging his blind spots.

That's not to say that Stone doesn't have fun. Party boy Colin Farrell adds a sense of devilish glee to the king's glorious conquests. The battle scenes are immaculate, with gory special effects and trembling hand-held shots to simulate a ground-shaking onslaught of war elephants. The downtime from the fights is filled with togas, booze, orgies and dancing. If Alexander's exploits don't facilitate a truly great movie, they at least make for a slammin' frat party.

Ptolemy (Anthony Hopkins), an aged general, narrates Alexander's life, teaching students about his former commander. After an opening sequence of Ptolemy's dry as-a-History Channel-doc pontificating, the story kicks out of neutral as Queen Olympias (Angelina Jolie) borderline-incestuously tends to her young son, whom she coaxes into becoming a new Achilles.

Much of Alexander's lust for power is attributed to his love and disgust for his overly doting, wormtonguish mom, who coaches him against his father, Philip (Val Kilmer).

A timeline jump surges ahead to the coronated Alexander's exuberant victory over the Persians. His stated goal is to unify the people of the known world and allow for racial intermixing and travel he believes will lead to the good of society, but relentless narcissism is just as much of a motivator. A drawback is Alexander's cloudy romantic life, which includes his greatest love, Hephaistion (Jared Leto) as well as one of his wives, the dagger-swinging Barbarian Roxane (Rosario Dawson).

Hephaestion : Jared leto

Stone's choice to have the Macedonians shade their lines with Irish highlights pays off, because the speaking style hints at put-upon anger and stoic matter-of-factness that well suits Alexander's people.

The only truly bad accent is the one from Jolie's Olympias, whose dialect is an amalgam of a 1960s Eastern Bloc Bond girl and Natasha Fatale from the "Rocky & Bullwinkle" cartoon.
Alexander was a complicated man with disjointed ideals and drives, and so is this movie.
"Alexander" is overblown, but rarely less than fascinating as it wobbles along, a Stone's throw away from brilliance as well as disaster.